Obama Announces New Jobs Initiative

Washington, D.C. - In an unprecedented move, the Obama Administration today announced a unique initiative guaranteed to solve all the economic woes plaguing the country. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated: “Uh, uh, uh, this initiative will, uh, hmm, put people back to work across the uh, uh, country.”
In a press conference while on his third trip this week to sell his initiative du jour, President Obama outlined the plan, "I know that these are the toughest economic times I have ever seen.”
Details of the plan were made available to the media in a 53,214 page policy paper, which the President insists will be implemented this year "or sooner." He continued, “I will work with laser-like focus on this plan, as soon as I am done with immigration reform, an energy plan, and financial regulatory reform. But, first, I have to get this oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico contained by stopping all energy exploration in the U.S, and asking our allies to do the same." The plan includes:

• A provision making it mandatory that every person living in the US, citizen or not, to hold a garage sale in the summer months of 2010, with all proceeds going to the Treasury Department for disbursal to “whichever shovel-ready project really needs it.” The garage sales will be mandatory each year, or "when we determine that citizens have too much stuff."
• A provision making it mandatory for each citizen and organization, except for “exempted organizations and individuals,” to hold quarterly bake sales, with all proceeds again going directly to the Treasury. Spokesperson Gibbs said, "undocumented citizens, er, uh, immigrants, will be exempt from this new law." Each quadrant of the country will be assigned a type of baked good to be produced and sold. Gibbs continued, "Uh, hm, uh, we do not yet know what area will be uh, uh, baking which goodies, except for New England, which will bake only, hm, uh, fruit cakes."
• Changes to the tax laws letting the Obama administration determine the definition of "rich" to be anything they want it to be, and be able to change that definition at their discretion. Anyone defined as rich will have their taxes raised to 99% of all income. No deductions, and no exemptions except for members of the House and Senate, and members of the Obama Administration – who will be exempt from all taxes and all new laws passed in perpetuity. An additional change will define as poor all people not defined as rich, and require that they pay no taxes for anything – federal, state or local – ever.
• Changes to mortgage lending laws making all people defined as poor eligible for a mortgage not to exceed $1,000,000. These people will be required to each pick one person defined as rich to pay the mortgages for them. New debtor prisons will be created to house those rich people who fall more than 30 days behind on their assigned payments on mortgages for poor people.
• The creation of a new agency, the Housing, Banking, Baked Goods and Garage Sale Agency (HOBOSA). The secretary of this new agency will be added to the cabinet. Michelle Obama is rumored to be the pick. President Obama said, "Michelle is uniquely qualified for this new post, as she had a highly paid patronage job in Chicago, and she makes really good chocolate chip cookies."

More details will be available as soon as those in the media who can read complete the perusal of the new policy tome.
President Obama summed up his approach to solving the economic malaise, "This initiative is necessary because of all the problems caused by the last administration. We are basically going to take all the money there is and give it to those we define as terribly needy because they need it, they asked really, really nicely, and because it is the best way we can find to spread the wealth. Not only will we take all the money there is now, but all the money there ever will be." Several reporters in attendance swooned at his statement, and others reported feeling weak in the knees.
Ex-President Bush, who has been responsible for everything bad that has happened in the world since the beginning of time, when asked his feelings about Obama’s plan, stated, "Frankly, I am back in Texas and Texas is good to go."
In a related story, the US Mints around the country all reported overheating problems with their printing presses. Said one press operator, "We been runnin’ these things ‘round the clock lately, and they tend to heat up, especially when we print so many of these here hundred dollar bills."